Awkward Fruit

(This post has been really hard to write because Sister#1 is right near me, so every time she looks over at me I need to close the window with the blog post)
I really, really hate that I'm scared of eating some fruit. And it's not that I have a weird fear of pineapples, like pineappleofdeathphobia or something, it's that stuff I've heard of has convinced me it's inappropriate to eat that fruit. Like, the Kesha (that's right, I left out the $ sign) song Grow A Pear. I'm now afraid that whenever I eat a pear I am doing something dirty.
Or how in Sex Ed we have to put a condom on a banana. Gee, thanks, Sex Ed. Now I can never eat bananas again. Was that your purpose?
But I think this can be used as an advantage. Whenever my mom gets mad at me for not eating my fruit I can say "Oh, I feel like I am doing a sexually inappropriate act whenever I eat this kind of fruit. So I think I'm going to have to pass."
Actually, I think my parents would ground me if I said that.
But it may work on some of your parents. Or say that to friends, teachers, co-workers, That Guy You Met At That Bar, online friends, your neighborhood hobo, or the person who works at the front desk of a hotel. Just make sure that there is a banana/pear close by or the whole conversation will die.

I'm going to be nocturnal

I would very much love to be nocturnal when I grow up. How cool would that be? I mean, you could go in to a restaurant at 9PM and be all "Oh, are you still serving breakfast?" and then be all "No? Too bad. I'm nocturnal, so I was going to buy breakfast, but obviously you don't appreciate nocturnal people." Or at 7AM you can go into restaurants and be all "Are you serving dinner? Well, why not?!?! It's dinner time!"
That would be sooo funny. The only problem would be when you were walking on the street at night there would probably be muggers and creeps and such. So I'd invest in Kung Fu or something so I could protect myself.
But I mean, then you could stay up all night! And sleep during the day! And be a vampire! (Just kidding- that would be weird) But it would also be fun to go grocery shopping and whatnot.
And travailing would be easier! Not as much traffic.
And then also when I'd be shopping there wouldn't be as many lines, and stores wouldn't be crowded when I was shopping. 
And then I could come downstairs at 9PM and my parents would be all "Oh, why did you sleep in so late?" And I'd be all "Now I am nocturnal! This is a perfectly normal time to wake up!" And then my parents would be left wondering where they went wrong while raising a child who seemed perfectly normal when they were a kid but now that they are a teenager are completely insane and their life's goal is to be nocturnal.
And also merry whatever-you-people-celebrate. Because I don't know what religion everyone is. So just have fun with whatever you are celebrating.
Unless you are celebrating the downfall of humanity.
Then I do not wish you well at all.

My firey hate for maps

I'm convinced maps are trying to kill me. Why? Every year at school we have map tests. Last year they were on the 50 states, this year they're on countries from the middle east, Africa, basically anywhere we're going to learn about. And, for some reason, I have a terrible time trying to learn where all the countrys are in maps. I just cant. It all looks the same to me. And who cares if I mistake China for Florida? That won't matter later in life, right? Anyway, To most people, this is what a map is:

To me, this is what a map is:

This is what I want to do to the map tests we have to take:



Note: the map has color this time!

  But I've never actually done this to a map before, because I'd probably be suspended. And sent to counseling.

Note: I've never actully mistaken China for Flordia. That was just for dramatic effect. But I do mistake all the states in the middle of the country for Tennasse or Iowa.
Note: Sorry if I spelled Tenasse wrong, Tenasse-eans.

Prevent the downfall of humanity by not supporting alien pop stars!

I think Pitbull is an alien from a species who is going to try and exterminate the human race. Why, you ask? Well, it all started when I heard his song Give Me Everything. At first it was only the chorus that made me worried. Have you thought about what he's saying? "Grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey! Give me everything tonight." Have you ever thought about if the person has STDs? Maybe they have HIV/AIDS. Now, at first this just sounds like he's stupid. But then I realized: he's from a race of very lazy aliens. They've decided that 1.) They will get a member of their society into a high place on earth. 2.) After that person is respected, they will tell us to do stupid, senseless things until we exterminate ourselves. THINK ABOUT IT! Anyway, back to Pitbull: He has a weird obsession with Kodak's. Maybe Kodak's are the currency in alien-land. Also, his name. I mean, Pitbull? The aliens must have thought that was a good name before they really understood life one earth. Maybe they thought dogs were the dominant species and decided to give their Alien Spy a dog breed name.
But maybe Pitbull isn't the only alien invader pop star. Lady Gaga has been telling us that dancing will save us from drunkenness. Katy Perry has been telling us to become lesbians for a night. Maybe all pop stars are actually aliens who are trying to kill us. It makes sense. Lady Gaga and Niki Minaj and Katy Perry all wear weird outfits with colorful hair and silly makeup. Maybe that's the norm in alien cultures. Maybe they're trying to get us immersed in their strange alien culture. We're becoming more like them, day by day. They also all have very, very, very long fingernails. This is probably so they can use them as weapons when Humanity figures out their their secrets.
So, people who are reading this, you have been enlightened on a very important secret. So be vigilant. When you listen to pop songs, don't be fooled by their lies. Don't go out and have sex with random strangers, don't get so drunk you think dancing will save you! Because if you do, we are one step closer to the downfall of humanity. Prevent this downfall!

Nevermind/Random/I sound like I'm on drugs

I know yesterday I promised a video of me trying to break some ice with a hatchet, but the video wouldn't send from my phone. So I'll tell you about this little kid I sometimes baby sit instead!
We were talking about him hitting his hand on a plastic train track once and said "they're pretty stiff." I couldn't stop laughing.
He also likes to play stuff like castle, but he's always a queen.
He has littlest pet shops.
Other than that, he's fairly normal. But because he's little he constantly invades my space.
Guess what?
I want toast.
Or caffeine.
People are coming over tomorrow.
I just got paid 20 dollars.
I want to buy some new music. We're having pea soup for dinner. Has anyone who's reading this ever tried drugs? I haven't. That's how awesome I am.
I have no clue why I just wrote that.
Why are ninjas so awesome. BECAUSE THEY ARE NINJAS. THEY DON'T NEED A REASON.
I like hot chocolate.
I just had hot chocolate and a candy cane. I'm texting someone. Has anyone ever seen a penguin in the wild? I thought not. My dog is adorable. He likes to eat. So do I. What would a color you've never seen look like? What if a kid grew up and never saw the color green, and then all of a sudden you put him in a forest in summer. What the hell would happen? Would he die from the sheer shock of green? What if we all saw different colors? There'd be no way to figure that out, because I'd grow up thinking purple was called purple and you'd grow up thinking whatever other color you saw was called purple and if I pointed to something  and ask and you'd reply with the right answer but it would be wrong. Think about that, philosophers.
I need to do homework.
Fuck homework.


I have red pants. They are awesome.
Almost as awesome as a ninja eating pineapple while ridding a dinosaur. And the dinosaur is on a snowboard. But it's summer. But  there's snow on the ground! How amazing would that be?!?!?!?!?!

What would happen if leaves were actually made out of toffee? I think I'd die from joy.
I wish a scientist decides to grow a tree with toffee from leaves. Then no one would starve. We'd just all be obese.
Never mind. I don't think that's a good idea.
I cant spell awesome right. Spellcheck always has to correct me.
*mumbles*................I still hate Spellcheck......thinks it's better than me.....oh I can spell this right, I'm fucking spellcheck...........

Has anyone noticed that old christmas T.V specials all look like the writers were on drugs?

I might finish this post tomorrow. Or maybe not. I've gotten lazy. But if I don't write a post tomorrow, I'm posting a video of me trying to break some ice with a hatchet. So either way the post will be slightly entertaining.
By the way: This was going to be the Blank Post, but I haven't done anything good in a while so I decided to write some shit down to make it look like I've become a little more responsible.

I know I said it could be a week or two before my computer was fixed, but all of a sudden something popped up and said a Trojan was deleted from my computer and all the Win 7 Security alerts closed down. So you don't have to be devastated about me not posting anything for a while. Anyway, because I thought my computer was going to be out I didn't plan a post for today, so this is what you get:

I feel like that pictures is pretty inadequate, so here's a random piece of info:
I tend to say the worst possible thing without knowing it. Once I was talking to one of my moms friends daughter and I mentioned that I hate the color pink and she got a worried look and then we went to open up presents (it was Christmas) and I got a pink shirt.
Another letter to spellcheck:
So the abbreviation of Ok is not a real word, but info is a real word?!? What is wrong with you? Get some therapy and then start checking spelling again!

I'm sure you're devistated, but there may not be any posts for a week or two.

I'm sorry. My laptop caught a virus. I think. This annoying message keeps popping up and telling me my laptop is in critical condition, and then advertising some Win 7 Sectary thing. But the security system we bough, McAfee, keeps telling me there are no viruses on the computer. I think the Win 7 thing is just trying to sell me the sectary. Anyway, it won't let me onto the Internet, so right now I'm using Sister#1's laptop. They still can't know I have a blog, and I don't want to have to delete the history everyday. Besides, writing a post normally takes a little while and Sister#1 is only letting me use her laptop for homework. So I may just do little fake posts like "Why do you think Shit is a bad word? Was someone just like 'huh, I can't describe my frustration enough with regular words. I need a word people aren't supposed to say! What should I call it.....Shit! That's going to be the word!" As soon as I figure out the virus thing, I'll start doing real posts again.

Pointless Comics

No one from America reads my blog anymore. So I'm moving to Russia, because they actully read my blog.

Rock, Paper, Sissors, SHOOOT!

First of all, my blog has been viewed twice in Malasyia! I didn't even know there was a country called Malasyia. So, this is pretty exciting news for me! So thank you, people in Malasyia!

That's not how the joke goes

Two posts in ONE DAY! WHAT NOW?!?!?!

The Beef is a Conspiracy

Have you ever seen the Wendy's commercials with the Where's The Beef slogan? This is my take on it: (although it's a rather bad take on it)

This is what I think of when I watch T.V.

Eating tomato soup for breakfast is empowering

So I'm supposed to be doing homework, but decided to write a post instead. Am I slightly irresponsible? Maybe.
You know how people normally eat breakfast foods for breakfast? Like, you'd eat cereal, toast, eggs, bacon, bagels, fruit, waffles, pancakes, sausage, English muffins or oatmeal? That's ok. But a lot of times, I like to eat non-breakfast foods for breakfast. I know a lot of people do this. How fun is it to wake up and go downstairs and make tomato soup for breakfast?!?!? Ice Cream is also good. So is sushi, sandwiches, pumpkin pie, popcorn, ribs, and mashed potatoes. When I eat non-breakfast foods for breakfast, it makes me feel special. Almost like I'm standing on top of something high screaming "I AM GOING AGAINST WHAT THE WORLD WANTS ME TO BE! I'M EATING TOMATO SOUP FOR BREAKFAST! WHAT NOW, BITCHES?!?!?!?" Does anyone else get this feeling when they eat tomato soup for breakfast? Probably. If you do, you're awesome. Just saying.

The tomato soup looks happy because it's tomato soup. The eggs look sad because they are eggs and awesome in their own right, but tomato soup is more awesome when eaten for breakfast.

A random note: On of my friends gets so hyper if she eats anything at all for breakfast. She could have a piece of lettuce and she'd be in class, twitching as she tried to not jump up and start running around. When she doesn't eat any breakfast, she has normal energy levels.

Tell everyone and Jon Stewart about my blog

I have a mission for anyone who has read my blog! Please tell at least one person about my blog. I don't really care who that person is. Tell a friend, family member, a third cousin twice removed. Tell your grandma! Go up to a random kid at school and tell them. Go to a random person on the street and tell them! Spray paint Read maybeisawabeardeddragon.blogspot.com onto your school, a school bus, a bridge, the office. Put fliers up anywhere! Stick fliers onto peoples backs! Get your pet dragon to walk around with the blog name on it's side. People will have to listen to that! Get a tattoo of my blog name and show anyone who will sit still for one minute. Tell the local news you were abducted by aliens and when they interview you, scream MAYBE I SAW A BEARDED DRAGON AT BLOGSPOT.COM IS THE BEST BLOG EVER! REEEEAAAAAD IIIITTT! And these are only a few ideas.
P.S. This is completely mandatory. Just because I can never find out who you are doesn't mean I can't punish you for not telling people about my blog!
P.P.S If you think my blog absolutely sucks and hate it, you're probably a terrible person who hates funny things. Maybe. Or my blog really does suck. But anyway, if you hate my blog, you're not allowed to tell people it sucks. Because I will possibly find you. Maybe.
The only post this blog doesn't apply to is Best Friend.
Dear Best Friend, You can't tell anyone. If you do, there's a chance that my parents/sisters would find out about my blog. And then I would be discreetly murdered.

I need a Toast Making Robot

You know what I need? A TOAST MAKING ROBOT. You know what it's purpose would be? To endlessly make me toast. It may just be me, but I think that if we had toast making robots they would also be able to fix the economy, save the euro, end world hunger, and stop global warming. Also, toast is amazingly delicious. I drew a picture of toast:

I think Toast Making Robots would make perfect toast, and then they would also look like mini transformers and that would be awesome. Mine would be red. And then I could show up to school and be all "WHO WANTS TOAST?!?!" And people would be all "No way you're weird" and then I would show them that the robot looks like a transformer and they will change their mind and decide they want toast.

Guess What? I ATE TO MUCH SUGAR!

The other day Me, Mom, Dad, Grandma, Sister#1&2, and CrazyFriend went to Sturburge Village for Grandma's birthday. Sturburge Village is a collection of old fashioned houses from around the 1600's (I think).

They have a Christmas thing every year, and we went and it was really cold but anyway, that has nothing to do with anything.

They have a lot of candy there, though. A lot. Sister#2 and CrazyFriend bought Fudge, and I got a huge candy cane and maple sugar candy. We ate all the candy while walking around. Then before we went home we bought these huge lollipops they have. 

By the time we got back to our house we were very sugar high completely insane. (Did I mention that CrazyFriend was also sleeping over?) For some reason, Sister#1 went to bed. Me, Sister#2 and Crazy Friend went downstairs. Sister#2, in a rare explosion of creativity, got out some sharpies and started drawing on a lemon. This is the lemon:



I grabbed another sharpie and drew a Demon Lemon From Hell:

CrazyFriend drew Bipolar Bananas: (The one on the left was attacked by Demon Lemon From Hell)




We also drew on Clementines:



We also tried to draw on a pineapple, but it turned out just looking like it was bloody.

Dad came in, and I was all "LOOK AT THE FRUIT!" very enthusiastically. Dad looked and then kinda shook his head hopelessly.

Then I found a whole other bowl of fruit and and was like "OMG I HAVE TO DRAW ON THIS NOW!" and dad was like "Let's leave the fruit alone." When he left I drew on the fruit anyway:

The next morning me and CrazyFriend went downstairs and asked Mom if she had seen anything odd. She said "Yeah, I was making coffee and all of a sudden was like 'Huh. I wonder why the fruit it looking at me?" She asked Me and CrazyFriend if we had done that. We blamed my Dad. No one believed us.

Why would anyone talk about things like this in public?

We sometimes go to this AMAZING roast beef place called Bently's Roast Beef. It's delicious. Anyway, around a month ago, we went there for lunch. There were 4 teenage guys at a table. But they were, well, not the most attractive people ever. And, when me and Sister#1 walked by the table, this is what we heard:

Guy#1: Oh, and if you use (insert spell name here) you can double you're HP!
Guy#2: Yeah, and, like, if you use (insert weapon name here)  you can defeat (insert villain/monster/alien/professional comedian you hate name here) in just one hit!
Guy With The Awkward Mustache: Oooh, yeah, and then if you buy the trading cards and enter this code you get (insert helmet/cloak/armor name here) and it's super powerful!

Me and Sister#1 look at each other, and take out our phones. Mom saw us, and was all "I know what you're doing because you're  my daughters" Me and Sister#1 had the following (sarcastic/joking/fake) conversation:

Me: OMG, those guys are soooo hot!
Sister#1: Yeah, ikr? Like, sooo cute! We should get their numbers!
Me: Omg, toottaaalllly.

This went on for a while, until they got up to leave.

Sister#1: But we never got their numbers!
Me: Quick! Chase after them!
Sister#1: Nooooo! They're LEAVING!
Me: We should run after their car.
Sister#1: We should run after their car yelling "COME BACK I FUCKING LOVE YOU!"

A moral of the story: Save debates about computer games for, preferably, somewhere not in public. Or people may/may not make fun of you.
Anyway, sorry again if I've insulted anyone. Although maybe I'm not. You guys will never know.
And another note: ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES FROM BENTLEY'S ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I had to say that.

Jay-Z looks awkward a lot

Does anyone notice how awkward rappers look when they're trying to look cool? Like, in the video for the  Beyonce song Crazy In Love, Jay-Z looks so awkward adjusting his hat in the car. And then around 2 minutes into the video, at the part with the random burning car, Jay-Z's doing the weird things that rappers do with their hands while they're rapping. Jay-Z: STOP TALKING WITH YOUR HANDS! And then Beyonce's doing her thing and dancing and Jay-Z's just standing there, sorta bobbing with the music. It's kinda painful to watch, actually. And then in the video for 99 problems, it isn't much better. The only reason he looks less awkward is because 1.) He's actually moving and 2.) Beyonce isn't there to overshadow him.

Anyway, sorry if any of you guys like Jay-Z. I'm just really tired and thought this would be an easy post.
And also sorry if it sucks, because for some reason the post didn't save and then blogger signed me out. I didn't feel like rewriting everything perfectly again, so I just put the shit I remembered together onto this post. I'm too lazy.