Blank Post

Yeah. I did a blank post. WHAT NOW, BITCHES!




.......I just realized that wasn't a blank post at all. So I had an idea: At some point I will come up with a amazing post title and not write anything for the actual post. So you will be left wondering what I was thinking at that point in time. And maybe at some point I will explain the post title, but maybe not.

I'm going to be a professional movie hobo

I decided what I'm going to have for a job! Me and two really good friends were in English class one day, and somehow started talking about how lazy I am. Then Friend#1 suggested I be a hobo when I grow up. I thought that was a slightly good idea.

Then another friend suggested I be a hobo, but in movies. I'd be paid, and also, I wouldn't have to make my own signs! You know, the ones that say "Will work for food?" I'd be told where to go, what to say, and how to act, so I wouldn't have to make many decisions. So I decided I'm going to be a professional movie hobo. I'll probably take any movie rolls offered to me, so you may see me in:

Si-Fi:  As the awkward hobo guy who stands and watches the world ending, not running away
Horror: As the hobo who gets eaten by the zombies while people watch in terror
Action: Hobo randomly getting high in the background
Mystery: The hobo who gets killed by the murderer
Romance: The weird hobo who randomly gives romantic advice to the bad husband/wife/parent
Comedy: Another hobo randomly getting high, probably trying to get other people high

Documentarys+Active Imaginations=Certain Death

When I was little I had a very active imagination. So I never watched scary movies because I could always imaging, very clearly, monsters coming to get me. Keeping that in mind, I decided it would be a good idea to watch a documentary about heart problems. I watched it for a while, happily enjoying the horrifying things that were being said about heart attacks and cardiac arrest. My mom then sent me to bed. Being little, the documentary didn't trouble me, and I feel asleep right away, unaware of what was going to happen just hours from then.

Maybe around midnight, I woke up. For a second, I wasn't aware that anything was wrong. Then, I felt a pain in my chest. It hurt. A lot. Because i had just woken up, I hadn't yet remembered the documentary. I lay in bed for a minute, unsure of what to do. And then it hit me. The documentary. I might be having a fucking heart attack, my little, confused mind thought. I'm going to die.

 I lay in bed, running through all the possibilities of my demise. I was so sure that I was going to die. Eventually, I got bored enough thinking about my tragically met end that I fell asleep. When I woke up the pain was gone. I ran downstairs and asked my mom about it, wondering if I would need surgery. She looked at me, and said it was growing pains. Perfectly normal, and nothing to worry about. 

Why I destroyed a stack of cheese

The other day I really wanted a sandwich. I found some ham, bread, mustard and mayo and started to put together a sandwich. Not the ultimate sandwich, but a moderately good sandwich. This is the result:

Not the most fancy sandwich ever, but reliable and tasty. As soon as I had taken 2 bites, though, I noticed something was off. I needed cheese for this sandwich! I took the cheese out of the fridge, happy we had some. But then I tried to take a piece of cheese from the stack of cheese that had been squished together. A full peice wouldn't come off, and because I kept trying I riped peice after peice into little shreads of cheese. And because this was a moderately good sandwich, little pieces of cheese would not work. I needed a complete and perfect piece of cheese. This is what I got for trying:

I ended up getting a full piece of cheese and completing my sandwich, but the rest of the cheese was slightly destroyed in my quest for a moderately good sandwich. But destroying the cheese was totaly worth getting a full peice.

Spiders, toe cramps, and pie. They don't work well together.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Except for the two people in Germany who have read my blog (I know, I'm so popular). This day probably means nothing to you. Unless you got engaged today or something. Then this day probably means a lot. Anyway, because it's thanksgiving, i decided to do a post about pumpkin pie.

About a week ago I felt that I needed pumpkin pie. I had been wanting pie for a while, but all of a sudden I needed pie. I felt like if I didn't get pie right now I would spontaneously combust . So I decided that I would make a pie, and it would be amazing. It would be the best damn pie I had ever eaten. I got out the ingredients to make pie. I felt pretty confidant in my pie-making ability's. I hadn't thought about the fact that I haven't made pie in a year or two.
At first, things were going pretty well. I had mixed the ingredients and poured the filling into the crust. But then i got to the predicament: I forgot how to put the pie into the oven. Lifting the pie into the oven with my hands didn't feel right, it felt like it was going to spill. My mom was sitting in the kitchen, but she was on the phone and I didn't want to bother her. So I opened the oven and put the pie in. I should have known this would not end well. As I put the pie in, it started to spill. I quickly shoved the pie in the oven, spilling more of it. I started to call for mom to ask her for help. And then: I got a toe cramp. That might not seem that bad. I admit, it seems pretty pathetic. And then I looked down and my toe was twisted out of place(Or maybe it just looked out of place to me). Of course, I collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. I was also trying to get moms attention. I felt pitiful, lying on the ground trying to get moms attention to fix the spilled pie. She finally noticed me, and I pointed to the pie. Mom started to clean up the pie I had spilled while I was lying on the ground.  What kind of person was I??? I couldn't even clean up spilled pie!!
I was felling pretty bad with myself, when all of a sudden a daddy long leg started crawling towards me. I HATE SPIDERS. It was only little, but spiders scare the shit out of me. That was the last straw. I started crying. (Best Friend, I know I can be pathetic, but stop laughing.) ALL I WANTED WAS PIE!!!! Why couldn't I get pie?!?!?!? 
As it turns out, Mom salvaged the pie, and my toe cramp went away. Oh, and did i mention that I GOT PIE?!?!?!?
Of course, as soon as I got over my pie craving I wanted ice cream. Story of my life.

Lazyness Can Make You Do Weird Things

Does anyone else use forks, spoons, and knives interchangeably?

Because I do. Maybe it's because I'm lazy, but when I'm trying to find a knife and I can't find one, I tend to just grab a fork instead. Why? Because I don't want to pick up a knife from the drying rack and dry it. So this is what normally happens:

Or If I can't find a spoon this normally happens:

The only bad thing is I can't use either the knife or the spoon as a fork. So if I need a fork, I almost always have to get up and wash/dry one. Which I don't want to do, because it seems like too much work. Well, I guess I could spear the food with a knife and then eat it, but that would look a little bit weird. Like something from the middle ages. You know, where the knights spear stuff on the knives and then act all tough and eat the food from the knife? Yeah, that's what I'd look like.

It looks like bleeding bread

Best Friend was sick around a week ago. While I was texting her, I suggested that I could bring over Soup and Toast.  That was in the afternoon. Later that night I felt hyper and random. And Best Friend wasn't replying to my texts. No one else was replying to my texts, either. So, naturally, I sent Best Friend multiple random texts. According to her I sent her twenty messages. At some point during those messages, I told her that I was definitely going to bring her soup and toast. And then, I had a thought. What if they made souptoast? It would be a amazing combination of soup and toast! Think about it! You can have toast, and at the same time have soup! I guess you could do the same thing by dipping the toast in soup, but souptoast would be much better. I told Best Friend. She said there was already souptoast, and that it was french onion soup with croutons. That is most definitely not souptoast. I told her that souptoast would be toast, and then when you bit into it tomato soup will be inside! Best Friend told me that would make the toast look like it was bleeding.



What bleeding souptoast might look like.

We ended the conversation.
The next week she was sick again. So, I told her I could bring over some souptoast. Our conversation:

Me: Should I bring over souptoast?
Best Friend: No Thx
Me: Why? Because it looks like bleeding bread?
Best Friend: Yes
Me: You're no fun. Pretend you're a zombie.
Best Friend: I'll pass.

I still think souptoast might be a good idea. A convenient package of soup and toast. But for now, I don't think it will work out. How do you put soup in toast?

Moderatly Ok: A expression of indifrence? Or a way to describe something thats freakin' AWESOME?

So I say Moderately Ok a lot. I use it like this:

Mom: How was school?
Me: Oh, it was Moderately Ok.

But no one seems to get it. They're all like "Moderately Ok? Why can't it just be ok?" and then i'm all "Because I'm AWESOME so I use Moderatly Ok. It's not good Ok, or bad Ok, it was just Moderately Ok."
But I was thinking. Because no one ever uses Moderately Ok, I can turn this into anything I want! So, from this day forward, Moderately Ok will be used as a good thing. So use Moderately Ok in the place of  words such as "Awesome" or "Amazing." As an added bonus you can freak people out by using Moderately Ok:

Boyfriend: *looking smug* So, how about that sex last night?
Girlfriend: *looking happy* Oh, I know, it was soooo Moderately Ok!!!
Boyfriend: *looking hurt* It was only ok?!?!

Then you will get to explain that Moderately Ok means Amazing or Awesome. And then one more person will be using Moderately Ok.

Another note to Spellcheck:
So now you don't consider Ok a word? Everytime i'm typing something, do you want me to use the longer version and write out okay? So now you don't support lazyness?!?! I'd go on strike, but i'm such a bad speller I couldn't type anything without you. You win this battle, Spellcheck. BUT THIS WAR I SHALL WIN!

Awkward Silences

Everyone hates awkward silences. You're talking, laughing, and all of a sudden: you've run out of things to say. And there's no way to transition to another topic. You're stuck, staring at the other person, both of you hoping desperately that something will happen.
It's a little different when you're texting. With texting, it's not really a awkward silence, it's more like a trying to keep a dead conversation alive. This can happen in two ways.
1.) One word conversations. This is where both people resort to saying just one word:
Phone 1: Look at my dog!
Phone 2: Awww!
Phone 1: Yeeaahh...
Phone 2: Adorable!
Phone 1: Thanks.
Phone 2: Welcome.
This can go on for a while. No one is sure how to start talking about a different subject, and no one can think of something to say that's longer than a word. When this happens, try writing something random.
Phone 1: Hey! Look! I never knew we had alarm clocks!

2.) The second kind of dead texting conversations are the So conversations. Both people have run out of things to say, but instead of trying to keep talking they start saying So.
Phone 1: Yeah, it was funny....
Phone 2: Soooo....
Phone 1: Soo..
Phone 2: Soooo.
Two things can result from the So conversation: You can keep saying Sooo until something happens to one of the people/one person says something random, or the conversation can also develop into a So contest: who can type So the longest. This usually happens accidentally.
Phone 1: Soooo...
Phone 2: Sooooo....
Phone 1: Soooo..............
Phone 2: Sooooooooooo........
Phone 1: Soooooooooooooooooo..................
Phone 2: SOOOOOoooooooooooooo..........
Phone 1: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...........
When you are in a So contest, the easiest way to end it would be to admit defeat. It may hurt your pride for a day, but it's better than being stuck writing So for a hour.

First Post

So I decided to create a blog the other day. For some reason I've been feeling very random lately. So instead of constantly texting my friend really long texts about nothing but random shit, I decided to start a blog. The thing is, my family doesn't know I've started one. If my parents knew they would be mad. If my sisters knew they would tell my parents. So basically, I have a secret blog. Ok, that was off topic. I thought I might want to explain the name of my blog. I wasn't walking down the street one day and saw a dragon with a beard. 



This did not happend. Picture is for effect only.



Though that would have been awesome. I was actually at a pet store and saw a strange little lizard. It was a bearded dragon. And it was awesome. It was running around and trying to climb up the glass walls of it's cage. Anyway, I told Best Friend about it and she suggested I name my blog "Maybe I saw a Bearded Dragon."                                                                                                                                   

By the way, because this is a secret blog, I am nicknaming everyone I know. These names will be pretty explanatory. Ex. Best Friend for my best friend, Sister#1 and Sister#2 for my sisters.                                   

I just did Spellcheck. Do you know Spellcheck does not recognize Texting as a real word? Spellcheck: Get a life. How is texting not a real word? What else isn't a real word to you? Is phone a real word? What about Blogging? What about Vlogging?!? So, Spellcheck, you consider blogging and vlogging real words, but not Texting? There you go again! Highlighting texting in yellow to helpfully alert me that I am a terrible speller and that texting is not a real word! Actully, Spellcheck, you just decided to stop working. So I copyed this post and put it on a Microsoft Word document and guess what you just told me! Vlogging isn't a real word either! You must stop this immediately! I hope you will reconsider these actions.  

I FINISHED MY FIRST POST! VICTORY! *Colorfull confettie starts raining down*